Middle School Angst

Raise your hand if you’ve spent time in therapy…

Then you know there are sessions every now and then that will knock you on your ever loving ass. This is why we go after all, we need to work through our crap. We’re seeking change and change isn’t typically comfortable, is it.

Well last week, I had one of those sessions. I had an experience that I felt was important to mention to my therapist, and boy oh boy did she lift the lid on a steaming hot pile of crap just waiting for me to uncover. Turns out that experience that I mentioned really triggered my inner pre-teen/middle schooler. And let me tell ya, she is pissed.

Listen, I’ve done a lot of inner child work. I mean a loooooottttt of inner child work. I’ve sat in hundreds of therapy sessions talking about my inner child, talking to my inner child, meditating through harmful past experiences that that little girl faced. I’ve done countless EMDR and Brainspotting sessions working through events from my early life. I have a picture of my younger self slipped into a journal so I can write her love letters. And almost every single time I have done these exercises, that little girl is about 3 to 5 years old.

Not one time have I done any of this work for the older versions of me. And now that I’ve uncovered the festering wounds of my inner middle schooler, I sincerely feel like I’m having to start over again. I’m having to do all the same meditations and love letters, all the same therapy sessions to learn how to love and support that version of me. I’m not going to lie to you, I’m exhausted… hilariously, I kind of thought I had “accomplished” this part of my healing journey - a laughable thought, as if loving yourself is measurable and therefor “acomplishable”.

Pause. Back it up. WTF are you even talking about, Lacy?

If no one has ever talked to you about the idea of “re-parenting” yourself, then let me give you a brief overview: All of your past “yous” still live inside of you. The 3 year old version of you, the 10 year old version of you, 13, 17, 21, etc. They’re all still here. And you, as an adult, are now the caretaker for all of these versions of you.

For example, play along with me here: when you got tickets to the Backstreet Boys revival concert, you gave your inner 13 year old the coolest gift ever! Or when that one boyfriend broke up with you and left, your inner 10 year old remembered that time Dad left and she absolutely lost her mind. And when your mom made a comment about the outfit you chose to wear to dinner and your inner 15 year old snapped a sassy retort. There are moments in all of our lives, positive and negative, when our younger selves come out. When we are no longer acting as the mature, grounded, adults that we know ourselves to be.

Now here’s the cool part. We have the opportunity, when things are calm and safe, to sit down with these past versions of ourselves and meet their needs. So, when I realized that my inner middle schooler is absolutely livid, I asked myself how I would care for and parent a 13 year old girl who’s heart was hurting this bad.

I’ve never been a parent to a 13 year old, but I imagine I’d probably sit with her on her bed and let her talk. I’d let her cuss. I’d let her scream into her pillow, I’d encourage her to express herself with all the intensity that a middle schooler has. Obviously, I can’t literally do that with my actual, physical younger self… so I journaled instead. I wrote down all the things that I was pissed off about when I was 13. I ranted about unfairness. I let myself be immature and angry. I let myself be 13.

And then, I wrote down all the things I know that girl needed to hear.

I told her how valid her anger is. I told her that she doesn’t have to be likable or pleasing. I told her she doesn’t have to be pretty or quiet if she doesn’t want to. I told her that she is safe to speak her mind. I wore for five straight pages and at the end, I asked her what she needed. (I know were getting really meta here, but stay with me) I felt in my gut, intuitively, that she needed to paint. At that age I painted often so it makes sense that paint would be a helpful tool to let 13 year old Lacy express herself.

I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know what I would paint when I started but what came out of me was not surprising. I recreated an old art print that has always pissed me off. I let her paint her feelings without judgment. I let her make art that wasn’t “pretty”. As I painted, it was almost like I could feel her screaming. And damn, it really felt good.

She needed that.

Have you ever written a letter to your inner child?

If not, I highly recommend it. If this is totally new to you, I’d love to invite you into this healing practice with me. Let’s do this together.

Close your eyes. What is one of the first hurtful experiences from your past that comes to mind? Maybe it was a bully or maybe a family member was mistreating you. Maybe it was watching a weight-loss add on TV and you suddenly realized the world expected you to look a certain way. Whatever memory comes to your mind, the first thing we are going to do is not judge it.

Maybe it’s really painful and you have no question why that memory popped up. But maybe it feels obscure and you’re thinking to yourself, that wasn’t that big of a deal, why do I still remember that? It’s there for a reason, so lets sit with it. Let’s remember that memory with an attitude of curiosity.

What was little you feeling at that time? Were they scared? Were they angry? Were they frozen? I want you to grab a journal or open a word doc on your computer and write out, as if you were that past version of you, how you felt. What that experience made you believe about yourself. How does your body feel - do you feel your throat tightening? Your fists clinching? Write it down.

And then I want you to turn the page and I want you to, as your adult self, respond to him/her. Tell them all the things they deserve to hear. Remember: you’re speaking to a child, so choose words that you would use when speaking with a child.

“You are brilliant! No one should have ever talked to you like that.”

“Your body is perfect and beautiful in every single shape that it makes.”

“So-and-so’s feelings are theirs and theirs alone. You do not have to behave in a way that will keep them comfortable, you’re only a child.”

“I see you.”

“I love you.”

“You matter.”

There are a lot of other steps you can take with this, but I think this is a beautiful starting point.

If you dig into this journal entry and it brings up a flood of emotions, first I want to say - let it! Let the emotions come, sit with the discomfort. These are feelings that deserve to be felt so feel them. Second, I encourage you to look into a therapist that might be able to help you navigate this inner child journey on a one-on-one level.

Therapy has enriched my life more than I can even comprehend. I hope, if you are able, that you give it a try.

I love you all! Go show your inner child all the love and adoration they deserve!