Anniversaries

We’re approaching the one year anniversary of the day my ex fully and finally called it quits on our marriage. We had been separated for nearly 6 months, and while it wasn’t necessarily surprising, it was still one of the worst days of my life. I knew in my gut that the best option for both of us would be to walk away, but man I had given that relationship all I had for so long. I had worked my heart to the bone trying to revive it. Trying to salvage it. Trying.

Actually pulling the plug on my marriage – even though it was unhealthy and even though much of me wanted out too – was one of the hardest and saddest things I’ve ever had to do. I’ll never forget the day as long as I live. I woke up early to go to a yoga class with a friend. It had snowed the night before and a beautiful blanket of white covered Nashville. I was going to be hosting a friend’s Valentine’s Day party the next day, so my house was hilariously and ironically decorated to the 9s in reds and pinks. Doilies and ribbons were everywhere.

He came over mid morning and in the course of 7 minutes I was no longer in a relationship. The man I had loved for almost 10 years, ended it in 7 minutes. He left and I sat in shock for I have no idea how long, surrounded by craft paper hearts and little baby cherubs. My marriage ended on a beautiful winter day, surrounded by the cheesiest valentines day decorations. (It’s ok to laugh about this – it feels like an episode of Parks and Rec – it’s too ridiculous to be true… and yet it is.)

Once I came back to planet earth, I called my dad. He was at the doctor and I literally told him to leave mid-appointment and get to me. I kept it together for the most part but then I got on the phone with one of my best friends. I tried to sound calm when she answered but I couldn’t pretend for very long. I lost it. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t speak. I remember pacing around my house with my phone against my face, my tears drenching the screen. And the next memory I have, I’m on my knees – forehead to the floor in my kitchen scream crying. My whole body was shaking. I felt like my brain was going to rip out of my skull… And then my dad blew in the door and got on the floor with me. I had my best friend on the line and my head buried in my fathers chest, screaming through the tears and snot. I remember hanging onto my dad’s winter coat for dear life and leaning into him with all of my weight.

Eventually, I stopped crying. Eventually, I caught my breath. Eventually, I was able to eat something and speak in full sentences. My dad bought me a sandwich and my friend came over. I gave her permission to let my inner circle know and by the time the sun was setting, I had about 7 or 8 people in the house with me. I know this sounds like some people’s nightmare, but to me it was perfect. Everyone that I love dropped everything to be with me. I was surrounded by my family – blood and chosen.

This day that is coming up is a hard day to remember but it’s also a beautiful day in my history. My marriage shattered to pieces and I was not alone. I was surrounded by love. I was covered in support. I knew in my core that I was going to be just fine. And I was right. I’m almost a year out and I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time. I’m taking ownership of my life, and for this, I know my future is bright.

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