I am my own worst enemy. I am the thing that has held me back the most in life. I’ve talked about this a little bit here, but I wanted to dive in deeper.
Some of you guys who follow my Instagram know that I’ve started Suzy School. Suzy School is basically Instagram school – in super basic terms, it will teach me to grow my platform and eventually monetize what I’m doing here ( It’s so much more than that but I’m keeping it simple here) It was a bit of an investment but I’m taking big chances on myself here, people. I’m betting on myself and I’m believing in myself.
Part of the process of Suzy School is figuring out what motivates me and what I have to offer. Once I’ve figured out what my special sauce is, my next question is: what has been holding me back? What box have I been hiding in that I need to break free from if I’m going to do this?
In the post that I linked above, I talked about my fear of judgment. And yes, that’s been super real. But I think there’s something way deeper than that going on. When I look back on my career and the choices I’ve made, I feel like I’ve been playing it small and safe for so many years. In college, I chose to major in something that I thought would be most likely to land me a job, not necessarily what I liked doing – I was crazy passionate about printmaking but graphic design felt safer. I’ve taken so many freelance jobs that grossly underpaid me that it honestly makes me sick. I took a job in New York that payed so little that I was truly scraping by to survive. At the end of the day, I have to ask myself – what do I believe about myself? What do I believe my value is?
Up until recently, it’s very clear that I didn’t seem to place a high premium on myself. And not just in my career but in my relationships too. I look back on my marriage and the relationships that preceded it and it’s pretty depressing. I mean, I’ve really let some dudes walk all over me. I’ve also been way too cool with being neglected. It makes me sad. But I believe the divorce was a pretty huge step in grabbing onto my value with both hands and demanding the standard be raised or the relationship cannot continue and… it did not continue.
I feel like I’m making a pretty huge turn in my life. I’m investing in myself. I’m believing in myself. I’m asking more of the people in my life that have taken advantage of me and saying goodby when I need to. I am taking up my freaking space and I’m not apologizing for it anymore.